Jan 16, 2018
Chattin’ about the Change!
It has been a challenge to learn how to podcast and new ways to Google things! Julia’s been finishing up the movie project she’s been working on and remarks upon the young people she’s working with and the things they DON’T UNDERSTAND because of the age difference. We talk about the radio we used to listen to back in the 70s on Maui. We talk about the rate of change in the past 20 years. Like when Sarah’s kids were born (1999 and 2003) she still took photos on film and had to have them printed to share. It was so different from having the luxury of digital photography and being able to take dozens of shots to get a good one and then just delete the bad ones.
Sarah resigned from her volunteer position this week, and while some people are disappointed in her, she ceases to have any fucks to give anymore. We talk about seeing the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, since Kathy Bates’ character has the classic line: “I’m older and I have more insurance!”
It’s Fall in LA, but that doesn’t mean it will be cold. And hey - are you the Pumpkin Spice type or not??
Bible Study: Chapter 9 - Sex in Menopause: Myths and Reality (the Sex Chapter!) from Dr. Christiane Northrup’s book The Wisdom of Menopause. While we would not say we are prudes, we are also not really exhibitionists, either, so we have been a bit reticent to talk about our sex lives.
It does seem that people in their 60s, 70s etc. can be sexually active, which is good to know. Since we are both married, we discuss how there can be routines and unspoken rules in a marriage, but during menopause, as women are changing or evolving - as we know that we are - that has to affect the relationship, even if our partners haven’t changed. And then add in kids to a marriage and it has to alter your sex life.
Julia says Menopause + Kids at home = Sex Life Challenging. Sarah brings up all the things you can do or try - but it really comes down to what you want to do and how badly you want to do it. Julia brings up balance - that if things in your life are out of balance, then your relationship will be affected for sure.
Dr. Northrup says in the chapter that sexual energy is also like Lust for Life, which we love the sound of. We were fans of Dr. Phil back in the day, and the opening for his show included a clip of him telling someone “I want you to get excited about your life,” which Sarah still thinks about and wants that for her kids - and for herself, her husband, friends. Everyone should have that!
Julia has been married for 16 years and she’s noticed that they had a “routine” for sex when they were dating and then married, before kids, and then when they had their daughter, of course it meant change, but okay - you adjust and adapt - but the times you can have sex are limited because of the kids - and then life happens and work hours are long and things get very complicated - so routines have to adapt again. And dealing with the day to day life is not only tiring but less sexy, so it becomes more of a job to make sex happen.
We recall Dr. Phil talking about how sex and foreplay work in a marriage with kids - that’s it’s very different and you have to learn to deal with it. And there was a sex therapist who was on Oprah who contended that women and men get to intimacy levels differently: women want the cuddling and preparation and the build-up, while men need the physical act first in order to get to that place of being able to give us what we want.
At the time, Sarah felt like this was a load of horse shit, but gave it a try. She had sex with her husband one night and the next morning he woke up and did a household task for her that made her day a little easier, especially with little kids at home - something that meant a lot to her and that she felt he did as a gesture to her after they had made love - because he felt closer to her at that point. Sarah was astonished and happy to know she was wrong. Sarah also shared a story about how to get over a dry patch with your spouse: have sex every night for a week in order to get to know each other’s bodies again.
But of course sex after you and your partner have kids is totally different. Not like when you first met a sexual partner and you had all day to lounge around and have sex. Sarah tells the story of how the Mirena IUD was marketed to Moms as a way to have sex safely and at a moment’s notice - because as a Mom, that’s all the time you’re going to have. Julia talks about the IUD she had, called the Paraguard T380-A, which we decided sounded like a weapon - and we guess it kind of is.
The chapter has a list of ways to rebuild intimacy and get to know your partner again: 10 Steps to Rekindling Libido - and Julia quoted one of them: “ #3 Intimacy - Take time to make the personal connection. There is nothing more conducive to a good sex life than the ability to share one’s thoughts and feelings with one’s partner on a regular basis. ** One of the really nice things about midlife is that we often have more time to spend with our partners than ever before.”** Julia was struck by how little that applies to her life right now because she has a 5 year old. And obviously not for everyone.
Sarah loved the story in the chapter about the woman who had been diagnosed with a disease, but who had also just met someone - and the affair helped change her outlook on life and helped her heal. Sarah tells about when Dr. Northrup was on Oprah years ago and talked about how midlife women may find sex unappealing with their partners and may look to have an affair. She said that women reported improved sex lives with new partners but that she felt WE should become that new partner, not go out and have an affair. That we should do our evolving and bring that newness to our current relationship. It’s a challenge, though.
Julia has been working on her big life plans - and asking the big questions - like where we will we live, what do we want to do with our lives - and for the first time wondered “Do I want to die in this house?” She feels like she hasn’t been in this place before and that so many of these kind of things are coming up for her. And for many of us in midlife. Ties into so many issues around aging and where do we want to end up? Time to do research!
Issues come up with Julia’s Mom, who’s 75 and in great shape, but at some point they may need to live nearby each other and what would that look like? And wondering how did we get here - and what can I still make happen in my life at this stage?
Sarah feels like a couple of years ago she may have been feeling trapped by her life and didn’t have a great lust for life or great feeling of what might be coming in her future, but feels in a much better place now. The college application year was very stressful for her family and maybe now that it’s done it’s been a release, plus since her son is in college, she can see her empty nest coming - maybe that has been a catalyst for change? Not sure…
Julia talks about the toddler years and how daunting they can be. She is not really a sit-on-the-floor-and-play-for-an-hour kind of a mom. She’s more of a Let’s-go-do-something-mom. Sarah loves toddlers, but of course, from afar. But it all relates to sex because of course that’s how we get the kids in the first place.
The chapter talks about Viagra (for men) and the issues relating to being connected to your heart and maybe not needing it so much, and masturbation (for everyone) plus we bring up romance novels and erotic fiction, aka “cliterature.” Of course some women need help with vaginal dryness and there are great lubes out there. So we feel the Lust for Life is the best takeaway.
Modern Menopause issue: where to store the lube or sex toys that the kids can’t find. We wish each other good luck!
How Hot was Your Flash: Sarah had none and Julia had a few warm ones, but otherwise -- all good.